Before you Read my Writings...

I realize that you all have your opinions, reasons, etc. and YES I POSTED THIS ON THE INTERNET .. that's right I sure did... - but YOU have no idea when these were written or under what circumstances so do not even begin to assume that you know the whole story.

Preventative Measures

I’m an alcoholic pill poppin’ pharmaceutical addict
I’ll be the first to tell you I’ve got the gene of an addict

These pills I take the drinks I take
I’ll be the first to tell you I have a problem I can’t
Stay away

This Vicodin and alcohol consumes my all even when
It’s not in my system I’m operating with it on the agenda
Check out my house it’s like Walgreens pharmacy and
Your local liquor store having an open bar

Pop some pills wash it down with little to no skill
Of any alcohol you choose to sip and chill

I wait on these pills to kick in my bipolar is fuckin’
Flippin’ out and I’m about ready to take myself out
Again.

Super Power

I snap this Vicodin
I sip this coke
It’s my antidote
I sit back and
Wait for it to hit my stomach
Not caring if my body is
Suffering from it
I pop theses pills, I close my eyes
I see my son, I gaze at the sky

I’m not really here, I’m really gone
Mentally I’m just one more thing wrong
Muscle relaxers are my super star actors
My Vicodin is my super power but
Fuck it what happens after?

You Never Listened

Can you hear me? Did I say it
Loud enough? Was I clear?
Did you get the message?

It’s over I don’t care you’re
A memory - you’re not
Not worth a breath of air

Were you close by? Did I
Ever cross your mind? When
Did I fade out- am I still there?

Blinded and jaded – processed
Crossed out and faded
What do I have? Where am I at?

Mangled and defecated
Were you listening? Where
Was the dedication?

When I started this
It was something that
Had no ending – just a face

Suicide

I never stopped myself
Always pushed –
Swimming against the tides
Running from everything
You are.

The world never waited on
Me to stop
My eyes dilated
Like the first time
A child sees snow
Where – did life go?

Behind me they place me up
On a pedestal – stop wait
I’m going to fall
Honest, I don’t know it all
I’m just a child without a
Home

Love me – Touch me – Never let me go
Capture this heartless – empty soul
Forgive me, descend me – but
Don’t leave me here alone

Where did my life go?


On this bridge I sit
Drifting, tipping –
Off this cliff –
Here I go.

Straight Edged

Seeing and breathing
Please don’t stop
Believing
Hold my hand
Pray by my side
Don’t wait
Let me die

I’ll be around
Everywhere you look
I’ll be here…
Waiting on you

My heart you captured
With the shade of
Color in your eyes

My love you spared
My breath you took
Sentiment, resentment
Kissing me on the bridge

I’ll be around
Everywhere you look
I’ll be here
Waiting on you
I die, I fall
I wait – you never
Call
We weren’t together
You were never there
What was I waiting on?
You- despair
Don’t stop breathing
Let the air cease to
Exist
… One last kiss …

Don’t be scared
You know I’m there
Right where you
Never were

Standing still
Waiting on you
Like a straight
Edge curve

Hold my hand
Keep me still
As my breath
Fades like
Water into sand

I’ll be around
Everywhere you look
I’ll be right here
The place you never look

Some Mornings

I sit upon the darkness, looking past the eyes
of the lightness that crosses that sky’s path below. I
see in every direction, every destiny, every
magikal imaginary there is. Within this vision I see
myself on a path, one that is not familiar, but
foreign. I go down it with my eyes shut and
blinded. As I come to what I think is the end,
seems to be only the beginning as my eyes open
and I see the dawn streak inwardly – it was only a dream.

Silence Me

These thoughts suffocate me
In time
Letting them out kills the world
One word at a time
Building my own demise
Please, step aside
Don’t listen or coincide
Just keep walking by
No questions No answers
Just a lack of hellos and
Goodbyes
A dreamer? I see her, there
In the corner – slipping deeper
Please love – keep her
Dedicating, soliciting –lives
And no longer anticipating
The love and hate we create
Belonging and oblonging to each
Our own let us leave
The madness & sadness
Where are we?

Reflections

Memories are mirrors into our pasts,

They hold frames of their own
Picking – telling us half truths and
Whole lies – ultimately following us
To our demise,

Looking back and seeing only what
We salvaged of a time and place

We can never get back,

Reflections create the regressed behaviors
That a child like adult shares
Bringing change – emotional
Hardships and ultimately the

Growth beyond…

Not a Friend

Life just isn’t something that fits the description of fair
Especially when you come from a background of poverty and despair.
It’d be easier with a pretty face or if life had a button called delete or
Backspace.

When I was little home was never my favorite place. I needed an escape.
I needed to be able to run away. I had to find the strength through the bruises
To pull through, the beatings I endured were no mistake.

I kept my head held high in school. I never let strangers in to see what I was going through.
Counselors, doctors, cops, and DHS finally broke through and that’s when they took me away.
Took me away from you.

We’ll call you by your name so everyone knows it’s never ok
If domestic abuse comes to play, you shouldn’t stick around. He’s not there to be your friend, he’s not.
He’s not there to play at all.

Keep in Touch

Personally & mentally confused,
Abused, amused, tickled, &
Fucked beyond belief…

Can I pick myself up, dust off
And count my life worth the
Debt? Should I just slit my wrists
And turn in my time card to God
Now? Fuck it, heaven or hell wouldn’t
Take me. I’ll just stay here…
At least one more day…

I pop Vicodin and coke, sometimes I
Just stop the meds and hit the
Ground runnin’ with this pen-
I write my best with the pain, meds
Just cover it up & fuck my words up.

I’m tired of popping these meds
I want my life back, I want these
Words to soothe my soul again

Jesus

Past Present Future

I heard of a man who has no voice, face, or hands
But has the love of His only son’s blood
Stained upon His hands.
~
I met a man who has no voice, face, or hands
But loves us so much he gave
His only son
~
I know a man who has no voice, face, or hands
But loves us all the time, no matter what the crime
I know a man that:
Has no face, but he knows mine
Has no voice, but we talk all the time
Has no hands, but he holds mine
~
I fell in love with this man I know
He loves me ‘n you both
He’s the life saver on this sinking boat
We call life
His name is Jesus Christ

Hey Mom We Love You

We love you no matter what
Even when we’re actin’ like butts
We know you love us too
That’s why this rhyme was written for you

You’re our mom all the time
Even when we’d like to deny
We love you and that’s
The way it’s always gonna be.
Just you and we three.

We’re all gonna grow up so fast
It seems like yesterday you
Were standing at the end of
Granny’s drive
Waiting on that bus to bring
Us back!

Where has the time gone?
Look at us now.
Where will we be
In a few years from now?
It doesn’t matter
You’re still our mom to be
Just you and we three.
We love you no matter what
Even when we’re drivin’ you nuts
We know you love us too
That’s why this rhyme was written for you!

Ha Fuck it all up!

Sexually & Physically abused
Mentally amused
Sittin’ here lookin’ at or rememberin’ you…
If I’m smilin’ – you better worry
Wonder and start askin’ why
Cause it means I’m comin’ for your ass
Worse than karma, bad lucky charms, or
The skeletons in the fuckin’ closet
I make Friday the 13th look like
Your birthday- I’ll take away
Everything you love and say “fuck it all”
I have nothing to lose, makes me the
Most dangerous motherfucker you ever met.
I can be your worst enemy or you
Soul mate just let me get this Vicodin
In me we’ll see what today is gonna
Bring for your ass. 9-11 wasn’t anything
We didn’t deserve, what about
All the lives we’ve taken in the past?
Oh, it happened to the U.S. – now we’re sad,
Now it’s a tragedy – another fucking Columbine.
Where were the “parents” at? Thank you Mr. President.
For all the pills I pop – yo I’ll take more real soon,
To all the people I offend, yeah, fuck you too…
Do I miss my past… yeah… but I
Still don’t give a fuck, yall can
Kiss my ass.

My Life

Wonder why my life is so based on the negativity of violence?
Wonder why I don’t give a fuck how your or my life is?
Ever care why I never stop to look at you out from under my eyelids?
Doctors since the days before I was born still can’t figure out what my
Mental war is. Days after this kid was born, life began to be fucked up more.
Parents left the little baby with the agent, and away they went. Guilty
Conscience on someone’s part led a guilty thought inside an empty heart.
From that day on life was a fight, surgery at age 3. The memory remained, I
Wasn’t wanted but used, for a meal ticket… maybe a place to stay…
A single mom trying to fight each day and each night. Sometimes so uptight
She didn’t know where the food would come from or the warm bed at times.
Somebody always came through. God above I give praise to you. Life’s gone on and
We met Chuck. One more of life’s greatest fuck-up’s. They hooked up and drugged
Up and drank up… and one day…. She got knocked up. This time things didn’t
Change, they got married and he beat her ass… just like the last. Only it was worse
Cause now she had a little girl to curse with the bullshit. So along I went, for every
Beating and every party every argument and every night left with grandma and
Grandpa cause mom was too fucked up to notice how fucked up she was. And so
Along I went for these next years, a little boy named Chuck, and he came and brought
His daddy to tears. It was that day in ’93 that I got cut from that family. Off to
Grandma and grandpa’s I went, not over the river and thru the woods. But over
The dead bodies and through the hood. There I sat off and on, when mommy remembered
She had me; she’d come visit and then move on. Finally thing got bad and went to
Worse, she got divorced and then shit got a whole lot worse. DHS and my dad too,
Somewhere along the way they got brought into this life too. From the age of four,
I haven’t been myself, I seen that it was okay for mommy to do drugs and leave me
Alone all by myself. I seen it was okay to be violent and okay to runaway, okay to fuck
People over, okay to stay fucked up and do it all over. Again and again never stop, know
Nothing different from what you’re taught. Do nothing than what you are shown, act no
Different. Even when you are grown. At about age 12 I remember getting fucked up
So bad I couldn’t remember. I stayed that way for many many days…. I was straight when
I got raped. He paid the price, not like he should have though, he should have paid with
His life. I rediscovered drugs and stayed that way, my mom so caught up in drinking and
Getting laid, her friends, and getting paid… her little lost daughter just got thrown away.
When I was 14, I met my father, life was looking better, but then the shit just got hotter.
I went away, leaving behind my family… went to Des Moines to realize that what I had
Already discovered here was no different. Only worse. It meant there was no hope so like
I said, shit only got worse. Paychecks given up, lies told to cover the bruises up, handcuffs,
Drugs… way beyond what I needed to get a small buzz. Money thrown away to the drugs,
My life so messed up I tried suicide more than a few times. I never did succeed I just went
Back with my little friends, niggas, and druggies. I went back to them to try and find a home.
I never did, I was so fucking alone. Surrounded by people, I sometimes even went looking for
God inside empty steeples. There I cried, there I lay on the floor, wanting nothing more than
Just to die. I never got that wish, I never knew why. I’ve spent 99% of my life running from
One hood to the other, no father or mother, only seldom relatives that took care of this lost
Kid. And to this present day I still remain, in the hood, on the outskirts only, the call of the
Blood, drugs, and money scream my name. The memories…. Something in my brain keeps
Pushing rewind and play. I see the brains on the wall or the floor, I smell the gun smoke.
And the organs that are all over the floor. I remember the people I fucked over… I remember
The people I got killed, I remember the people I beat up, I remember all the peoples
Lives I fucked up… one way or another. I remember how I treated myself, just the same. I
Thought I was superior, really I was just the same. A drugged little slut, some called me a
Whore. I see these faces, I remember the places. I want to scream but no words or sound
Come out, just in my head. Where my eyes got fried with memories that seem like they are
Still so very, very, alive. I remember all the names, knives, lives, guns, and night skies. I remember all this
Shit for the rest of my life. I wonder how I did it, why I am still alive. I look at a grave and hate that
Person out of jealousy because they don’t hurt worse than I do. They got out I suffer a much worse fate
A memory of this life for all the days that I live, for the rest of my life. When you die does it go away?
Or does your body just die and there you lay in the grave… does the memory still remain on replay?
Is it still running in your head while you lay there? Nobody knows where the memories go.

Feelin' Froggy

Mentally distracted
Eminem came and has me captured
I went willingly, it wasn’t a kidnapping.

I listen for the lyrics – not the beat,
The empty meaningless words, or the rap,

I listen so I can relate and relax – so
I feel a little less suicidal, homicidal
That particular day.

He’s talkin’ about cleanin’ up and leavin’
The game and I’m fucked up about that.
What will I do without his music –
His tunes. I can’t even imagine it.

He’s got one more cd comin’ out
And he claims that’s the last.
I think it might be the end of me.
I will have nothing left to get me
Through, my music is EVERYTHING
To me kinda like my buffer and pills –
The ABILIFY to the Anti-Depressant –
Boosts it as it goes through my system.

Last time I cried over a singer going’
Down was when 2PAC “died”* he was
When my drug use went a lil crazier
Than usual. I’m already 2 seconds from going back there.

I don’t want the hard dope or smack
Just roll me a joint and let me relax.
Fortunately I can’t do that to myself –
I have a son to take care of- an
Example to set- and most of all its
Got more complications than it’s
Worth just like the alcohol I crave.

I resisted it – I will again today too.
Why? Because, I have to show myself I love
Her too. Nobody else will if I don’t.

I just don’t know how much further
My limits are going to be pushed.
A woman abused my son at daycare
My husband is just a flat out asshole about everything
My son is difficult to deal with
And I have enough problems to last
Me and a small country a lifetime and then some

Please God, someone give me a break.
Somewhere, someday, @ some point.
Please.

Family

I’m so depressed again I can’t even decide what notebook I should write in.

I can’t pick up my text books – I have to deal with this divorce shit. I’m honest getting ready to just say fuck you and fuck this – I can do this without you and on my own bitch.

He keeps sayin’ we’d just get remarried again like it’s a game – well it’s not. You walk away and that’s it you’re done – you lost.

I plan on doing what I can to make this work but I’m not going to do it all, grovel, or worship his every step or word. He can just kiss my ass as main course.

I am so tired of being beat up mentally it hurts… worse than any physical one ever could. The rhyme we once learned “sticks and stones…” is a lie, I can prove it just look at the rates of suicide. Fuck, my little boy is the only reason I’m still alive. I don’t cherish anyone else enough to make that kind of sacrifice for – back stabbin’ lyin’ mother fuckers think they somethin’ – and don’t give me your stats on ‘oh I’m family’ really- then where you been at? Do you know me? Know what my life’s been like since I had to leave my home in Hot Springs? Yeah sit your bitch ass down before I make it look like a clown.

Family is the people that are there for you even when you’re in the fucking wrong – they may not agree with you but they don’t abandon your ass! So count ‘em up – who’s yours?

I can count mine on one hand.

Drug of Choice

My drug of choice is what gives me this voice otherwise I’d just follow the crowd and be another follower and end up in a hearse… making me think back on why I even exist on this earth. I am a leader, I do curse, nobody accepts me except when they benefit from my work.

Clock Work

Living and Dying
Stopping and Crying
Time
Caressing the enemy
Killing the cause
Time
Sleeping with Angels
Beautiful babes of Silver
And gold –never dying
Time
Dancing … celebrations
Sunrises capsize
Leaving us to the
Darkest sins of Night
Casting lullabies
Time
Spaces waste us
Away like the
Crazy fate we claim that
Awaits us
Blessings and steppings keep us
Fighting and dying – youth
Will never leave us
Time

Chameleon

And I find myself reflecting on
The past it’s like looking at
Foot prints and wondering where
They came from and where they
Went. I look at my life
Sorta like that but it’s different
Because I should know the
Answers to those two questions,
After all – I was there the whole time… wasn’t I?
I’m 20 years old, a student, I
Work most of the time, I try
Oh how I try to not disappoint anyone – including myself
I recognize that most people
Live life like a chameleon –
Changing themselves to fit in
Never facing up to what’s really
Out there, I am guilty of that…
And recognize it…
Most will never do neither.

BiPolar

Is it the pharmaceuticals, the bipolar, or my heart and soul?
Either way it’s all me and I’ll piss you off with every beat of it all
Each breath I take every morning I wake
Fuck it all
No apologies
No mistakes
I sit at this desk with reflections of self, I see two sides of this life and I wonder who will take over my inner-self.

Beautiful Eyes

Beautiful eyes
Caress the rage
Behind the blind

Pushing rushing
Stopping touching
Caring clutching

Believing all the
Lies you were ever
Told – holding the
Same tone

Speaking in tongues
Holding our own
Blaming the cold
For our dying souls

Kissing good bye
Dying inside
Standing still
We loathe

Being told the
‘same ole’
We scold
Dying to be bold
Defying all we’ve
Been told

Letting go

Background Noise

Near the cross fade of my dream
You stand – looking back at me
Reflections of memories are
In your eyes, staring into
Mine leaving me soulless

Brinking away from the dark
Leaving, drifting into the
Dawn that possesses
Life and captures time

Peace moves across the
Night sky the lights
Shatter emptiness leaving
The shrapnel to cease
Digging us deeper inside

Piecing ourselves back
What we may never be
Looking past what our
Eyes captured and left



Understanding the unknown
Whispering life into nothings
Grasping few and swallowing
Letting go, falling down – stop –
-Hiding behind the shade-

Disappearing into the space
Left by the breathes before
Somber peacefully as we fade
Cascading into the depths

And on the day

And on the day
A piece of me passed
Away – dying
Slowly as the
Minutes crossed
Into hours and
Those faded
Into long lengths
Of thinking
Here I sit in this
Chair reflecting
On the past
And retributions –
Obligations-
Diagnosis/prognosis
Capturing these
Things in time

Again?

She kills him slowly
Every step closer
The door closes behind
Her and he waits
She’s done this
Before, oh so many times

And he waits
Until he hears his own
Fears

How loud can death be?
How black can sorrow creep?
The paramedics take one
Look at him and they know

And he waits
Till he hears his own
Fears

She captures his gaze
Staring away
Memorizing his face
She fades
The casket closes over her
And he waits
She’ll never do this
Again, oh never again

And he waits
Till he hear his own
Fears

A Prayer

I sit here inside my own head

Once again Lord – am I dead?

I think I’m just lost and

It feel like I have a

Hardening heart

Say it isn’t so

Take my hand, don’t let me go

Don’t give up- I’ll follow thru

I need some guidance but

I know Lord – I can do it

With You – You’re

Always here – I can’t

Seem to feel it as of

Late but that doesn’t

Make it true

I’ve lived my life

With you right by

My side

Sometimes I run ahead

And get lost in time

But you are my shepherd

You watch me rest my head

At night

Please God – stay by my side

I know there’s a purpose

Inside my life – just

Help me hold on

You are my strength when

I need to be strong

Hold my hand, I’m holding on.